Sunday, November 23, 2008

BFF—best friends forever

….if only.

i’ve never had a “best friend”. at least not in school. i don’t even think i had anyone i could really call a “friend” back then. they were all just acquaintances.

but, things changed. i met some people who changed my life around, completely; i.e. one walked out of my life because of a choice i made. another’s been screwing with my head and the last one’s stuck on.

why this post? well, one of the main reasons i blog is to talk about things, i can’t talk about elsewhere. in other words, to vent! this one’s about someone who are (supposed to be) my BFF. actually, just about the one that’s screwing with my head!

she and i did not “bond” instantly. but once we hit it off, it was madness all around. i wouldn’t say we were inseparable, but we were part of each other’s lifes in every way. when it came to our core beliefs and views on life, there were poles apart. but that didn’t matter one bit. at least not then.

things are different now. she hangs out with people who are “cooler(?)” than us. has someone in her life, who’s giving her all the emotional support she needs. and basically, i don’t come anywhere in the picture anymore. except, EXCEPT, once in a blue moon, when she happens to remember me. an occasional call? nahhh!...

when was the last time we met up, just so… uhhh… DUNNO. when was the last time she asked me what’s happening in my life, and really wanted to know and didn’t ask for formality sake…. not in a looooooooooooong time @#%#$$%#$ !!

i’m pissed beyond words. i can’t believe i let her effect my life this way. no matter how much i pretend that this doesn’t effect me, or that this is no big deal because she’s just like those other people who walked in and out of my life without a second thought, its not the same. not this time. things looked different this time around. i believed things were different this time. and i gave it my ALL. i shouldn’t have.

i’ve withdrawn. does she notice? no. disappointment is written all over my face. does she care? NO! she is right. can i be right once in a while? no. is she embarrassed to call me her BFF? i don’t know. she didn’t have a problem claiming that once upon a time. now i know what kind of a role i play in her life.

its always been about her. and i’ve taken it. when you get close to someone, you tend to ignore little things that would have otherwise bothered you. but now all i can see are the faults, the negatives, the bad times. and I’m hating it. hating every bit of it. i can’t pretend to be ok with everything when i talk to her or meet her. things are NOT ok. things will not be ok. not until we talk it out. but will that happen? no. why? because she still hasn’t realized something is wrong.

what am i going to do about this? i don’t know.

is it time to step back? to move on…?