Wednesday, January 04, 2012

people talking about other people

“conniving” and “talking without permission”... these are the words i can recall that our upperclassmen usually tell us when we were caught talking at each other. it’s a grave offense for plebes and we’re actually punished by doing so. it’s actually part of our training, just like telling you that there are a lot of things to do and talking to each other means you’re not busy doing your duty as a cadet. if i may say, an etiquette, that you don’t talk secretly and if you have something productive to say, then tell it to the group so everybody can hear it. if otherwise, then keep your mouth shut. and you know what; it still applies even outside the walls of the academy...

apparently i saw two ladies right in front of me when i was boarding the monorail to work this morning. they were chit-chatting or maybe gossiping about some other people or something. then it made me wondered of why do people talk bad about others?


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i thought i couldn't figure out why. but i have found an answer that has given me some peace, and helped me to prevent talking bad about others.

here's what i found: there are three general motives behind people talking bad about another person.
  1. they are talking with someone to solve a problem they are having with the individual, but lack the skill to do it in a kind way.

  2. they want to discredit the other person, or cause harm to the other person. their motive is to hurt, or they feel they must defend themselves from hurt, so they hurt first.

  3. they want to be accepted, so they find common humor, evil, etc. to talk about to make themselves feel better.

the first group: they talk about the problem, may go into detail, may exaggerate a little, but their motive is mainly to get an idea of how to solve the problem, and not to hurt the other person. they may talk inappropriately, or in a way that may leave a negative light on the person they are talking about, but its not hateful.

the second group: people who talk bad about another person to cause harm: they seem to feel like you have some major impact in their life, and they are scared of you. for example, a friend who feels like her life is determined by how much boys like her will often bad mouth another girl who the boys like more than her ― or that she thinks they like more than her. she does this because she feels like she must manipulate the people around her to stay safe. if she took responsibility for her own actions, and her own ability to change, to act, she wouldn't feel so threatened by other people. so usually, people who talk maliciously are really very terrified people. they feel they must manipulate the people around them to be safe. they don't start by changing their own actions and choosing how they feel, they let life around them tell them who they are. its a very threatened place to live.

third group: the people are a combination of the two categories above. they talk about others because they have nothing better to do. they just talk without considering the people or friendships that will be damaged, its just entertainment.

bottom line, i found that the more someone is trying to harm and manipulate, usually the more sensitive and insecure that person is on the inside, so much so that they feel the need to control everyone around them to keep their lives stable.

as observed, these people doesn't have anything to do or don’t have any work. most of them are unhappy jobless people who find an outlet to others just like them. if they are however employed, then they are not that busy at all since they can still manage to have a couple of hours just to talk nonsense about someone.

i hope that these people will soon realize what they are doing isn't right. for being like this all the time, makes it a habit and eventually becomes the person that they are...

when i find myself talking about someone, i ask myself ― if this person were listening to me talk, would i feel honest and respectful of that person, even if what i am saying is negative? that's my check.

good luck.